“I didn’t see you at my book launch,” said a friend I met while shopping. “We had a fantastic night and the place was packed. Everyone was there, except yourself. What happened?”
The truth is I got engrossed in the latest episode of Prison Break and forgot about it, but, despite my brain’s censor being in the ‘off’ position, at least I knew not to tell him the truth.
“Ummmm, oh, Jaysus, didn’t I call you? Food poisoning. I’m sorry. Vomiting all night, must have been those scallops I ate in Killarney, when I was down there last week.”
(Memo to self: tell wife that if she runs into friend, I was very, very sick that night).
Stupid, stupid, stupid, I say to myself, as I walk away from the encounter feeling terribly guilty for lying to my friend and panicked that, somehow, he is going to find out the truth and hate me.
Another friend phones and the sound of his voice reminds me that I missed his little girl’s birthday. “I have a lovely present for C,” I lie, quickly. “I’ve been away for the past few weeks, so wasn’t able to get it to her, but I’ll drop down before the end of the week.”
Lying is a part of everyday life. We are always mentally editing ourselves, fretting that what we say might cause unnecessary hurt. “My daughter is so beautiful, we’re bringing her to a modelling agent,” boasts a neighbour. “She has such a lovely smile, we think she could become a TV personality.” Rather than pointing out that the child has a good face for radio, you assure her that, no doubt, she is magazine cover material.
“Why isn’t your column ready?” demands your editor, and you reply with a saga of crashed computers, and broadband that wouldn’t work, conveniently leaving out the part where you just forgot about it.
We lie so often that a lot of the time we don’t really realise we’re doing it. According to studies in the US, we all spend our time lying to about one third of the people in our lives, and most people tell at least two lies a day.
If you must be economical with the truth, size matters, and if you tell a lie, make it big. Never blame traffic if you’re late for work. Instead, explain how you were chased by a bull taking a shortcut through the fields and had to make a detour.
Don’t forget that you have used up that toothache excuse long ago, and a week on a fat farm has its limits. Bosses are inclined to remember that sort of thing. Whatever you do, don’t get all tied up in knots with a convoluted story that even your mother wouldn’t believe.
I once worked with a guy who rang in sick one morning, complaining that he had been stung by a jellyfish in the nether region, while swimming, and couldn’t move because that part of his anatomy had become painful and swollen. It was such an audacious piece of baloney that his boss let him off the hook, saying it was the best laugh he’d had all day. “Don’t forget to tell the doctor to take away the pain, but leave the swelling,” he told him, barely able to contain himself.
Are these little white lies as benign as we like to think? Not really. They can cause stress from the fear of being found out, of keeping your lies straight, and from the lousy way lying makes you feel about yourself. Besides, if you get caught in enough lies, people stop trusting you.
But how can you possibly tell the truth and still be compassionate? Should I have told my friend that I hate book launches and didn’t think much of his book, anyway? Or confess to the other buddy that his daughter’s birthday never crossed my mind? Of course not. There are other ways to remain true to yourself and still not hurt others.
Telling the truth has its advantages, but it is easier said than done. Don’t you just hate people who use truth-telling to say absolutely horrible things? “But I was only being honest!” they shout, usually after reducing some poor soul to tears. Telling the truth is not a justification for making someone feel bad. Count to 10 before you blurt something out.
A colleague once told me how much he disliked my new suit — 10 seconds before I was to get up and give a presentation to 300 people, completing destroying my confidence. Like, what was I supposed to do about it then? If you can, put a positive spin on a hurtful truth. If your wife/girlfriend/sisters asks if her jeans make her bum look fat, find a positive slant or die in the attempt.
When I finally confessed to my writer friend why I missed his book launch, he smiled gamely and said: “It would only happen to you. Don’t worry about it, though, it’s no big deal really.”
He was lying, of course. It was his first novel and a very big deal, but it was decent of him to pretend otherwise and made me feel better, honest.
Out of commission for a few days, but hoping to get up and running properly soon. Just read Sarah Carey’s blog, one of my favourites, but on this occasion I think she has seriously misjudged a very serious issue.
The IT like RTE is not mentioning the fact that Joe O’Reilly, Rachel’s husband, has been arrested again. Every other paper and news organisation is. I suppose they will argue that they are not going to risk allegations of an unfair trial by revealing his name. The other papers must be taking the view that the cops will never get him so there will be no trial. Either way, the family of Siobhan McLaughlin must be hoping that their case will not go the same way since there is a “chief suspect” there too….
As a jobbing journalist, I find her argument specious. The notion that the ‘other papers’ reckon the cops believe he will never come to trial is not supported with a scintilla of evidence or even reasonable conjecture. Even citizen journalists should lend support to their arguments; otherwise it is akin to pub talk.
Sarah’s post does, however, expose a conundrum faced by all media - the fear of being held in contempt of court or being responsbile for prejudicing a fair trial. Stating that Rachel’s husband has been arrested again ‘in connection with her murder’ suggests a serious measure of culpability on his part. This is dangerous territory for any newspaper.
The issue of contempt is an interesing one. Most people imagine the Big Bad Wolf of journalism is the law of libel. Sure enough, that is a consideration for any journalist but, in Ireland, the laws governing contempt are far more onerous.
For example, if you are held in contempt in facia curia ( in the face of the court, ie, during a hearing in court) you can be immediately interned without trial by the judge.
The laws of contempt in Ireland violate every principle of constitutional and natural justice, including:
1. The right to a fair trial (see above)
2. The rule that you cannot be a judge in your own cause (judges violate this all the time by jailing people for upsetting the ‘majesty of the court’)
3. The right to liberty
4. The right to be tried by a jury of your peers
5. The right to legal representation
Responsible media may well be prepared to incur the wrath of judges. That does not mean they want to risk prejudicing a fair trial which can, and often does, let the perpetrator off the hook.
Dear Bank Manager,
I know it’s been a long time since you have heard from me and you must be on the verge of utter despair, wondering why I haven’t been responding to all those lovely letters you’ve been sending me over the past few months. Perhaps you thought I’d gone to live on a houseboat, joined a commune of ageing hippies, skipped the country altogether or, God forbid, transferred by overdraft to another bank.
In fact, I have been extremely busy, keeping body and soul together, feeding the dog and occasionally working and paying the mortgage (with a little help from your good self, of course).
You’ll be glad to know that all your correspondence is neatly tied with a red ribbon and marked ‘urgent’ and I plan to get around to it straight after Easter. You certainly have a way with words. I particularly liked the first one where it, ever so gently, suggested: “perhaps it may have escaped your notice”. It hadn’t, but it showed you cared.
I was also quite taken with the next letter where you cut to the chase straight away with: “We would like to draw your attention…” and it didn’t really bother me to be reminded that “despite previous correspondence” I had carried on regardless. But I must draw the line at being told: “unless we hear from you etc. we will have no option etc.” That was bad tempered of you and somewhat tasteless, but I’m a forgiving kind of guy and I reckon you must have been having a bad hair day.
I won’t live forever, but it looks like my overdraft will, which is why I hope you will consider my application to join the Bad Debt League. It’s the hottest ticket in town. You’re no-one nowadays if you haven’t been bad-debted by some bank or other and I know that any bank manager worth the name has to have his or her quota of bad debts.
P.S. If that’s asking too much, perhaps you could see your way to throwing me a few Euros on account. I’m not going to invest in shares or anything reckless like that, but there’s a banker running in Cheltenham and, according to my Chinese horoscope, my luck is about to change.
You can send the cheque to my new pad on the Cayman Islands.
I HAD a dream about Neil Armstrong the other night. I don’t know why that happened but I suppose it must have been something to do with watching too much Discovery Channel. Whatever the reason, I pictured him in his astronaut’s outfit sitting on an edge of moonrock in the Sea Of Tranquillity eating a ham sandwich (hey, it’s my dream, ok?)
As I approach he begins to speak and I have to try very hard to hear. I am not wearing any spacesuit because, as this is my dream I can wear what I like. His words are somewhat less than profound. “Nobody can hear you fart in space”. By the looks of him, he has been spending hours trying to prove his theory when he should, of course, been doing astronauty things.
Like all memorable dreams, most of it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Before you know it, we are cracking open a couple of beers and chatting about men and women and the great mysteries of the universe. He then goes on to list all the great things about being a man.
You get to go to the moon
So what? OK, he can talk, he was the first, after all, and he even inherited a tidy fortune from a French countess who had over 100 years ago bequeathed her estate to the first man (or woman) to walk on a heavenly body other than earth. “It still brings in a few dollars and helps to bankroll my golfing in Ballybunion”, says Armstrong. I can believe it. The green fees there are astronomical.
Same work… more pay
Not always. Not if you happen to be Madam editor of the Irish Times, in which case you can laugh all the way to the powder room after showing the boys a thing or two about where you stand on the payroll. If they object, you can show them the door and they can always write a letter to the paper so long as it starts “Dear Madam”.
A five-day holiday requires only suitcase
My astronaut buddy has a point. “I didn’t even have a suitcase when I went to the moon,” says Neil. (We’re on first name terms at this stage). “All I had was a little toilet bag with a toothbrush and a few sticks of gum. I wasn’t even allowed bring my favourite sweater or a picture of my dog Bruno.”
You can leave the hotel bed undone“Me and Buzz (Aldrin, his fellow moonwalker) never bothered to do the washing up on the Apollo rocket or the command module. We just let things pile up and when it all got too much, we opened the hatch and dumped it in the direction of the Adromeda Cluster”. Leaving a mess is definitely a guy thing. I know a woman who cleans up before her housekeeper arrives and I will never understand it. She, on the other hand, thinks men are disgusting creatures who would happily pick each other’s noses if they got the chance.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
This is something that no woman on earth can help feeling resentful about. Bring a small box of Milk Tray to Aunty Nora and she will think you are Daniel O’Donnell to the power of ten. If your beloved does the same thing the chances are she will be met with an icy stare. “ Well, will you look at this. A little box of chocolates. I didn’t know they made them so small. Anyway, we were never much chocolate people ourselves. Bad for the complexion. Still, I suppose the children will pick at them.”
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours
In fact, you only need three. Black and white are both shades, not colours. Who in their right mind would want to paint their bathroom duck-egg azure anyway?
Two pairs of shoes are enough
Three if you include hiking boots or a pair of runners. Either black or brown for everyday use; never a mixture of both unless you happen to be Italian and like to strut about in shiny suits that your mother keeps pressed.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
Unless you happen to be a rent boy, in which case it’s probably the only factor. For most of us past a certain age, though, interest in the body corporeal is often limited to first year Med students cramming for their exams and anxious to wield a scalpel without cutting themselves.
Wrinkles add character
This is a real bitch as far as women are concerned. If in doubt, check out the likes of Michael Douglas, Sean Connery and Robert Redford. Even Paul Newman wouldn’t be past attracting a hot babe or two. Their female equivalents are either dead, gone into permanent hibernation or have had more facelifts than the Brooklyn Bridge.
The world is your urinal
Who hasn’t wondered at some stage how the astronauts managed? Now you know. I always thought that ring of satellites around Saturn looked a bit strange, anyway, and I can only hope that if I ever make it into space I won’t have to skid to avoid Neil Armstrong’s wee wee.
MURDER, as they say, will always out. At least that’s what my mother still believes and she may well be right.
The Council of Europe, one of the world’s most respected human rights watchdogs, has confirmed what many have believed for a long time — the US administration and, in particular the CIA, has been using European airspace to abduct terror suspects.
Ireland’s supporting role has been highlighted in the council’s report which described one operation which refuelled in Shannon, just after spiriting a Muslim cleric to Egypt as an example of the ‘complex logistical support’ to facilitate what is know as ‘extraordinary rendition’ (in other words, kidnapping and internment).
German authorities are preparing a prosecution in the case after the man, Abu Omar, was illegally transferred from Germany to Egypt on a chartered CIA plane, which then refuelled in Shannon in February 2003. Last November several European governments began investigations into a fleet of CIA-operated aircraft that have criss-crossed the Continent hundreds of times in recent years. The aim is to determine whether US officials secretly used local airports and military bases to transfer terrorism suspects under conditions that violate local and international treaties. Officials in Spain, Sweden, Norway and in the European Parliament said they had either opened formal inquiries or demanded answers from US officials about CIA flights. In other countries, criminal probes have deepened into the alleged kidnapping of terrorism suspects by the CIA.
In Italy, prosecutors filed a formal extradition request for 22 US citizens alleged to be CIA operatives who are charged with kidnapping Abu Omar in Milan in 2003 and flying him to his native Egypt, where he said he was tortured.
A German prosecutor opened a separate criminal investigation involving the same abduction to examine whether the CIA broke German laws by first bringing the cleric to Ramstein air base and forcibly detaining him there before putting him on a CIA-chartered aircraft to Egypt. Another German prosecutor is conducting a third criminal probe into the disappearance of a German citizen who said he was taken into custody last year while on vacation in Macedonia and secretly imprisoned in Afghanistan by US operatives who accused him of being a terrorist. The man has said he was released three months later, after his captors realised they had seized the wrong man.
Denmark has also protested the presence of CIA-operated aircraft in its country in response to concerns that the aircraft could have been transferring prisoners, either to the US naval base in Guantanamo Bay, or to secret CIA-run prisons elsewhere in the world. The Danish foreign ministry has asked the CIA to avoid Danish airspace altogether when transporting secretly-held prisoners or flying for other “purposes that are incompatible with international conventions.”. The request came after Danish officials disclosed that an aircraft that had been chartered by the agency stopped for unknown reasons for 23 hours last March at Copenhagen airport.
In Spain, judicial authorities are investigating whether CIA aircraft that made more than a dozen stops on Majorca and the Canary Islands in the past two years were transferring terrorism suspects. The Spanish government asked the US last March and again before Christmas if CIA aircraft carrying terror suspects made stopovers at Spanish airports, and both times the Americans said they had no record of such flights, the Spanish authorities said yesterday.
So what are the Irish authorities doing? Nada.
Last year the Irish Examiner exposed the dangers inherent in a treaty signed with the US giving American agents rights to operate on Irish soil. The article was described by Justice Minister Michael McDowell as a ‘pack of lies’.
It was no such thing. The Minister also said he accepted American assurances that Irish airspace or airports were not being used for ‘rendition’ flights. He is obviously more trusting of the Bush regime than George Bush’s fellow Americans. The same line designed to appease the Bush administration is being trotted out by Foreign Minister Dermot Ahern. He described two Director of Public Prosecutions files on the suspected use of Shannon by US torture flights as “nothing more than press clippings”. Ahern said any cases investigated by gardaí had proved groundless, he told the Dáil:
As regards the two cases that were referred to the DPP, it is quite clear that he said there was a lack of sufficient evidence. The complaints related to a regurgitation of media reports of allegations that Shannon was being used.
Ahern said any decision on whether there was enough evidence for the gardaí to search CIA planes was purely a matter for the gardaí and the DPP.
Maybe he should try telling that to Abu Omar.
In the meantime, for an erudite take on global politics, Gavin has a great blog as many of you know and, thanks to him, I have become a late starter. Thanks, Gavin, I owe you one (or two, or three….)
My apologies to our esteemed Minister for Justice. I recently called him a ‘Nazi in Hush Puppies’. It has now come to my attention that McDowell doesn’t wear Hush Puppies. He is more a Clarks man. Mea Culpa.
